Breast cancer at 38 with Fog & Depression [From Susan M., Kansas City, MO]

Your book was amazing and long overdue. For me it was like a huge sigh of relief.

Your story spoke to me and I couldn't put the book down. I am also a strong girl, went to all my tests, diagnosis and treatments alone. I initially didn't tell my family, gave my doctors my cell phone number, and demanded an appointment for my test results so my doctor could officially diagnose me face to face. I did not want to live the rest of my life remembering where I was when I took my cancer diagnosis via a cold phone call.
I never knew why I did so much alone until much later when I realized I did not want people to identify me with being sick. That person was not me. I loved your statement that Cancer didn't define me, but it defined my relationships. That was my life. I have since banned people from saying "You are strong.... ", and "God doesn't give you anything you can't handle." So what happens if you're a weak person? Those statements always pissed me off. People really have no idea.

Anyway, the emotional aspects were tough enough. Absolutely no part of my life prepared me for sitting in a group chemo room at age 38 poisoning my body. I remember walking around that first day thinking - do I look different? What would people say if I told them I just had four hours of chemo? The surprising part to me is that I was at the hospital daily or weekly for one entire year, and no doctor or nurse ever warned me about cognitive issues.

Then the never ending radiation was tough - that machine was so sterile and scary. AND I had to bring my kids with me everyday for treatment as it was summer. My daughters had just turned 5 and 6 and would sit outside with the nurses talking to me on the microphone watching me on the monitor. Can't wait to ask them later in life what affect that had on them.

During that year of surgery, chemo, radiation I continued to work out 3 and 4 times a week. I was determined to treat my body well, take control where I could. Amazingly, it all crashed after the treatments for never ending months. I never understood what happened until I read your book. Until then I had never been depressed, and because I had major life crises simultaneous with cancer I had assumed my fog and depression were just the stress of everything else on my plate - financial, unemployment, divorce, cancer.... with no family in town.

I was forgetful, would have to really focus to keep myself on task. Mid-sentence, I would either forget a word, get stuck on a word, or simply stop talking because I could not remember what I was saying.

Nine months post-chemo I went on a trip with girlfriends and could barely focus on a conversation or events. I dreaded going because I knew I was not myself. Then at night I would cry ALOT which was very unlike me. The post-chemo was far worse than actual chemo for me. It all just hit me and never left. I was going on job interviews, talking to recruiters because I had to, but looking back I was messed up.

I am two years from diagnosis this month and I finally feel like myself. I would say the fog has lifted 90%. The tamoxifen seems to have no effect on anything for me, thankfully.

The most telling part of my chemo fog, is when reading your book how long it took me to remember where I put my paperwork so I knew what chemo drugs I took (cytoxan and docetaxel)!

So very long story for why I am so grateful for your book. Validation is always so helpful. Doctor pre-warnings may have been nicer, but... I am alive and that is the most important part. And... I would probably go through it all again to avoid the radioactive multiple nipple injections with no pain meds. With all our modern medicine, just who thinks strapping a person to a table with needles is humane?

Keep writing and researching,

Susan